5 Ways Pornography Is Not a Good Reflection of Healthy Sex

Trigger warning: Mention of sexual assault, non-consensual videos, and online sexual crime 

The article is developed in partnership with BetterHelp.

Although about 58% of all Americans watch pornography, many people do not know that it is not a good representation of what healthy and consensual sexual activity should look like. 

The internet has always been a place for uncontrolled and sometimes illegal activity. It’s not just cyberbullying, viruses, or unsafe sites that should be monitored by parents these days. Pornography is available just about everywhere for free, and a lot of it is still unsafe, unmonitored, and unrealistic. 

Here are five ways that pornography does NOT represent a healthy sex life. 

1. It Depicts Non-Consensual Acts

The most important reason that online pornography is often harmful is that there is a large market for non-consensual-appearing sex acts. Many pornographic videos show women being kidnapped, forced, or sexually assaulted in their sleep. 

Although the women in the videos are often actresses, they are often not paid well for their work. Outside of this, even if the women are performing the acts consensually, the video allows many people to watch non-consensual acts and pretend that they are real. 

When children, teens, and adults are exposed to countless videos of non-consensual sex, they are taught that it is normal, desirable, and sexy. This desire can lead to real-life crime and can convince adults that forcing someone into sex is good. 

Remember, sex should always be 100% consensual on both sides. People should have the ability to say no at any time during the interaction, and body language should always be considered. 

To learn more about pornography and how it impacts mental health and behavior, you can also check out this important advice column on BetterHelp. 

2. It Is Often Violent and Anti-Woman 

Many pornographic videos depict women being physically and emotionally abused, on top of the other unrealistic aspects of the videos. You will often find videos of women being hit, choked, physically hurt, or yelled at. Or the sexual acts in the video will be very rough, without regard for the woman’s feelings or body. 

Someone who has not had sex before who is watching this may think that women enjoy being beaten, yelled at, or degraded. Although there are ways to consensually practice rougher sex, the majority of women enjoy soft, gentle, and romantic physical interactions. 

The most important thing to take from this message is that sex should be two-sided. Sex was never intended only for the pleasure of one party, and using someone’s body to pleasure yourself is not healthy, nor is it safe. If you have not had sex and have only been exposed to pornographic depictions of women, make sure to converse with your partners that are women before partaking in physical activity.

Always ask the following questions before having sex with someone: 

• What are things that you do not want to be done to you during sex? 
• What things do you enjoy during sex? 
• Are there any sensations you do not like? 
• Do you have any specific desires? 
• Do you have a safe word? 
• What is your goal during sex (orgasm, connection, love, etc.)?
• What are you not comfortable doing to me? 
• What are some things you want to try in bed? 

Both partners should have a chance to give their answers. If someone isn’t comfortable with something, don’t do it. Most importantly, always ask if your partner wants to have sex before you do it. Sometimes people will fear saying no, and this can lead to a nonconsensual act. 

3. The Bodies Are Not Realistic

There is a huge body-image issue online. In fact, eating disorders are more common than ever in young people due to the repeated messaging that only one type of body is valid or beautiful. 

This effect also goes into pornography. In many cases, the only bodies showcased in pornography are skinny women with large breasts and large butts. These women have often had plastic surgery to appear differently than they were born. Women will even get plastic surgery on their labia to make them appear smaller than it is. There is a severe lack of porn of women who have natural or longer labia. 

When there is porn with real women who have not changed their bodies, it is often considered a specialty category such as “big, beautiful women” or “amateur.” These categories further “other” women and make them feel that they are a secondary category or a side thought to the women who are depicted in most porn. 

Men are also subject to this. Many men in pornography are depicted as muscular, tall, and well-endowed. Larger men, older men, and men with smaller members are considered “ugly,” “old,” or “predatory.” These stereotypes do hurt men as well. 

When you teach young impressionable people or men that bodies can only be beautiful if they are cut up and changed or if they do not have any extra weight in their stomach, this causes viewers to develop self-hatred or opinions of other people that are unhealthy for sexual relationships. Men may start to expect women to have small, pink, “hidden” labia, and women may expect men to have large penises and be fit. 

These expectations are not fair to anyone, and they are not accurate. There are thousands of different body types, and everyone looks different. Exposure to real, natural bodies is important for healthy sexual relationships and self-image. 

4. There’s No Guarantee of Legality

In the world of porn, there is no guarantee, in most cases, that what you are watching is even legal. It is very hard to find the source of pornography, and many times, porn is stolen from the creators and posted on free porn sites without credit. Creators often do not even get paid for their job in the scene. 

Outside of this, there have been cases where illegal pornography with minors has been posted online on free popular pornography sites and not removed for a long time. As well as this, non-consensual pornography can also be posted on these sites. Any person can upload a video or photo on many of these sites, and sometimes people will post revenge porn, which is pornography posted without the person’s consent in order to hurt them in some way. 

Since moderators on porn sites are often not appointed or cannot monitor every video posted, there is no way for you to truly know if the person in the video consented to be posted or is even 18. 

5. The LGBT Representation Is Poor 

LGBT youth will often go to pornographic sites to learn about LGBT sex and what it looks like. The reason for this is that schools and parents often do a poor job of teaching children about what sex looks like for those who don’t fit into a binary. Without education, people will always take things into their own hands. 

Unfortunately, LGBT porn is heavily centered on “lesbian” porn that depicts (often straight) women having sex in uncomfortable and unrealistic positions that cater to men only. For example, someone might see women with long nails, huge high heels, and uncomfortable makeup performing acts on each other that are not typical of what actual LGBT women would do. The noises and environment are extremely uncomfortable and unrealistic as well. 

In many cases, lesbian pornography will showcase men “joining in” or women performing sexual acts in front of a man to turn him on. These are harmful videos, as they teach men and other people that lesbians can and are attracted to men and that lesbian attraction only exists to turn men on. 

Without representation or information about safe LGBT sex, young people and newly outed LGBT individuals will not have an example of how they should go about it. They will often have to experiment or learn in unsafe ways. They may even be uneducated about how LGBT safe sex looks. For example, many young LGBT individuals believe that two women or two men cannot get STDs when having sex together or that protection is not needed. 

There is also a lack of transgender pornography. The majority of it treats transgender women as a fetish or a secret that should be hidden. They are not shown as people but instead as sex objects. Porn with trans men is very limited if it exists at all. On the other hand, non-binary porn is also limited, and LGBT youth who identify outside of the gender binary will likely not find good representation either. 

Conclusion 

Pornography, as it is today, is not a safe or accurate tool for learning about how safe and healthy sexual activity should look. Instead of using pornography to learn about sex, talking to a sex therapist or researching sexual health can help. 

Even if you watch pornography made by real people or on “reputable” sites, make sure you do research outside of online videos and photos. Society and discrimination will always play a part in the majority of what is consumed online, which is why it’s important to expose yourself to real bodies, real people, and real sex education. 

You can learn more about sexual health resources from several sources, such as The Trevor Project, BetterHelp, and Planned Parenthood.